Learning to Love

In six grade, I change schools. It was supposed to be a good thing, but instead, I lost all my friends. Every kid in the new class rejected me, even the girls. I spent the next three years without any friends and under constant abuse from my peers. By the time I got to high school I was very angry, bitter, confused and wounded. I was angry even with my parent for not understanding, for not fixing it. I was so angry with my peers that I could not even finish school. I dropped our my senior year three months before graduation. I was a broken person.

What saved me was a simple choice that God put before me. I met a young lady in another town who I choose to befriend and for some reason I had to prove to her that God was real and good. I decided that I was going to show her what the love of God really looked like. I memorized 1 Cor. 13, hoping to put every aspect of love into action. I gave up lying completely to demonstrate there she could trust someone who lived by love.

That simple choice to focus on blessing another person, changed everything. Up to that point I had been focused on how much I hated my peers; how much I resented them; how hurt I was; what they had done to me. When I turned my back on my own pain, my own woundedness, choosing to focus on being love. I chose to live for someone else.

I actually got so focused on giving love away that I forgot my pain. Those feelings of rejection left me like a forgot bad dream. My life turned around and I gained two best friends and even my wife.

Later I learned that even them I had to release to God. My wife was also hurt and unable to give love back. She feared intimacy. God had to teach me to live without her love and once again lead me to become love for the sake of another. After five years of marriage, I went to complain to the Lord. I told Him of all the love I was pouring out and it had been five years and she still felt like sex was rape. I asked Him when I would get some love back. I told Him that I needed her to love me too. He said, “Jason, you don’t love your wife enough.”

I choose then, to abandon myself to being love and never expect it back. This choice has moved me into new realms of peace and love. It has opened the heart of God to me. I have turned my back on woundedness, and embraced my sonship. God is better then regretting what I lost out on. His destiny for me is better then not having a mother to love me or friends to like me. He loved me when my wife could not. I found my joy in Him.

After I made that decision, within a few years God used me to help heal my wife and now she chases me. Our marriage is wonderful because neither of us need the other. We both find our joy in the Lord and then give His love to each other. It is a choice to make Him my only source for love and comfort; to put all of my hopes on Him and Him alone. It is a choice to let go of my desires and say I’m satisfied with You Father. It is contentment, and peace, and love, and rest. I would not trade it for anything.

Doctor… who?

I walked down the corridor of my new job, following closely on the heals of that gentle man who encouraged me into this new employment. I had never been a doctor, but I was excited at this new prospect. I was comfortable with the job and my present company. My socked feet padded the floor softly as we walked. I listened intently as my mentor talked with his assistant. I glanced down and noticed that they were comfortable and shoeless as well.

It was time for me to get started, so I turned and ventured my way to my new office. I had to walk the entire length of the hall again to gain access to the stair at the other end. A nurse or administrator  stepped out in front of me a few people up and I watched her curious behavior. She seemed to be scanning the feet of every person around her, looking to see that they were fully shoed. Her behavior began to make me nervous as she took notes of who was properly shod and who wasn’t. I made certain to stay behind her as I didn’t not want to make her list.

Suddenly she turned  enough to notice my way too relaxed attire. Instantly she had me by the collar and dragged me to a desk to report my indiscretion. A young man in much too neat attire was sitting behind his desk and wanted to know what was the meaning of this sloppiness. The nurse reported that she had found me wandering the halls without proper footwear. I protested, “I only just started, I honestly had no knowledge of these regulations. I assure you it will not happen again.” Never-the-less, proper documentation must be made. So with little understanding to my innocent ignorance they decided that I deserved a proper reprimand. I pleaded with my captors, “This isn’t necessary, assure you it will never happen again.” No use, this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

I retreated to my new office feeling harassed. Pulling out my shoes and slipping them on, I wondered how such people could possible be without an ounce of grace. ‘Why such extremes for so little a violation? And I was brand new; how was I to know.’ I stared at the card in my hand; all professional looking with its wax coating and tan color. My name spelled out, I was a violator of company policy.

My office mate entered and found his way to the desk opposite mine. Moments later a young lady poked her head in the door and asked if we could get her a towel. Apparently, our office was also host to the supply closet. My office mate disappeared into a room adjacent to ours and materialized a white towel.

I stared at my card, feeling both abused, wounded, and angry. To more people entered the office with a stack of similar cards, all for me. “You need to work on a few things,” they both chimed, a giggle and a smirk hidden in their voices. ‘I beginning to not like it here,’ I thought to myself. Several cards illustrated with pictures every spelling and syntax error in the contract I had just signed. Another card illustrated the paper jam I supposedly caused and the proper condition one should leave a copy machine. “But, I didn’t even do this,” I objected holding up the card. They ignored me, shrugged and left. The cards filled my hands, their waxy coating and my name in bold, shouting at me, “YOU ARE A FAILURE.” Tears filled my eyes, and I wanted to die, or at least crawl away and hide.

When I awoke this morning I thought to my self, that dream probably wasn’t from God. I meant to dismiss it, but as I continued to prepare for work, the Lord began to reveal it’s meaning. Such is the value of working for human acceptance. So fleeting, their love is often governed by how they feel that day. Many would just as soon kick you if it meant their promotion. Fortunately, I have found I only have to ask, and heavenly Father will tell me once again why He loves me and who I am.

We work to gain approval, trying to curb our wrongs. ‘I’ll just replace this habit with a good one, just give me some time I can fix that,’ we say to ourselves not realizing the difficulty and fear that keeps those habits locked in place. God’s plan of transformation is entirely different. He does not fix our little problems. He replaces our identity.

While watching the newest episode of ‘Burn Notice,’ the hero of the story tells us that when a spy goes deep under cover, he takes on a new identity. The difficulty is that after months of eating, sleeping, and breathing as this other person, will there be enough of the old person left to complete the mission. The enemies tactic is to anchor us to our old identity through fear. This way we never will fully let go of the old and live out God’s identity for us. If we could live as only God’s identity, long enough, that old dysfunctional man would slip into oblivion. Many people try to deal with this anchor themselves; striving and straining against a thick iron chain, and the anchor, those old fears never move.

But love, the most important part of our new identity in Christ, has the power to pull up that anchor and disintegrate it. Except, that what most people are actually afraid of is intimacy. So I ask you, can you gather enough courage to let God show you His love? Can you sit long enough to let Him speak over and over again to that fear? If He speaks, you will know His love. A new identity would fix everything, it would fix you. But, you can’t hold onto your old fears. You need His voice.

The Snare

I was in the third grade when it first happened. The fact that I would remember this is pretty significant considering how much I forget. I sat in my chair and drew. I can still feel it at times, that warm tingle spreading down from the back of my head covering my senses with fuzzies. All I was doing was drawing a chimney in perspective for a Christmas picture. The other children hovered around me each trying to gain a peek. One young man in particular, the jock of the class, he was the instigator. I had found my niche. If I drew, they would like me.

I remember how in forth grade I gained a friend who was a bully by killing him with kindness. I’m not sure where the idea came from. He was mean, and I decided to be nice.

I six grade everything changed. I had grown up with friends. I played well, had fun, but six grade was the dark year that turned into three. Six grade was the year I learned how worthless I was. I remember several incidents. One was, that I was sitting on the ground, indian style, as every boy in my class threw raisins at me, taunting me, mocking me. What had I done to deserve this treatment? Nothing that I know of, even now. I had been held back in second grade, so my sister and I now attended classes together. I was only held back because I couldn’t sit still and, I’m not sure about this, but it may have been effecting my grades. My mother and the teacher both agreed that I need some extra time to learn to pay attention. At the beginning of the six grade year, my sister and I were tested for the gifted program. I remember how happy I was playing with my friends at the beginning of that year. When both of us scored high on our test, we were very excited, but we had to move to a new school. The name of the school was Webster, again, odd that I would remember. There was one class in this school for the gifted children; one class of twenty to thirty kids who had grown up together, who were very tight. I was the new kid. My sister being a girl assimilated quickly. The girls in the class were nicer, plus if you know Melanie, there is a lot to like. I on the other hand, I was outcast from day one.

I remember that at some point my desperation to ‘just be left alone’ brought me to a breaking point. I grab one kid, twisted his arm behind his back and announced to the entire class that I would break it, if they didn’t leave me alone. As children do, they thought that this crisis was real, that I really had the power to break his arm, that this was a real life and death situation. I’m not sure what I was thinking. When you take a hostage, you should at least plan to escape. I was running purely on desperation, I only wanted the pain to stop. That child was never in any real danger. I didn’t know how to break an arm, nor did I possess the strength do accomplish such a feat. What I really did was destroy any hope I might of had of finding a friend, and so secured two more years of rejection.

It is almost like, around the age of twelve or thirteen a switch is pulled in the minds of children, and they start to destroy each other in a game of King of the Hill. Apparently, I stink at that game. By the time I got to high school, I was a shell of a person. My family moved again and we started over in a new school, Niceville High. But, I had learned to hate everyone, including myself. I still might be in that state if it wasn’t for God’s speaking love and acceptance to me…

Here is the snare. In third grade I learned I could find love by doing. In six grade I learned that I didn’t deserve love. So, now the only love I would ever find was through performance. I wonder how many people are still stuck in junior high, looking, hoping for love.

The path to freedom awaits, it is as simple as trusting Jesus to wash all of that away, as He speaks a new identity over you. You can have a new life, as you learn to hear His love.

Testimony on Forgiveness

Kimberly gives her testimony on the transforming power of hearing God and forgiveness.
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True Maturity

I have been asking the Lord what TRUE maturity is. What it looks, sounds, and feels like. Many people say it is having a title, or success, being able to do certain things, or become certain things. I have heard it all. I will just be a little bold and even go as far as saying that all the things that we find important in our faith such as, healing the sick, raising the dead, seeing people set free and delivered, nations being saved, or prophesying with prestine accuracy, etc, are IMPORTANT and GOOD, but do not prove maturity. The Lord has been teaching that TRUE maturity is becoming LOVE. That does not mean that we are not to challenge or discipline. But rather it speaks to the motives of our heart. Jesus said to go out into the world, and do all that I listed above, so that the world would know of HIS amazing love for them. That he did not come to condemn but to set free. But, more often then not, we do all these things without real intimacy with the God who gives us the power to do these things!
Ex: I met an amazing Prophet who heard God, but this person was suffering from pain in the back and hip area. They had prayed, others had prayed, declared, stood in faith, etc., and still the pain persisted. My husband and I led this person through a little process of asking God where the cause of the pain was coming from. Of course this prophet was a little offended at first because they had already asked the Lord and they knew how to hear Him. Finally, the prophet came to a place where they heard the Lord say there was a judgment and what that judgement was. They repented and asked God what His truth was about the judgement, they recieved that truth, we spoke healing over the body and that prophet went home without any pain in their body for the first time in years.
My point is that the prophet heard God but lacked, in this situation, to trust in Gods love for them. Their trust had been in the gift not the gift giver. Maturity comes from the intimacy we have with our God; hearing, recieving, experiencing and believing in His truth and love. Lets ask him where our real motives stand! The Bible says if we do, all those things listed above, and have not love they are counted as nothing. ( Our motives were wrong.) God declares in the end that he never knew us. And that would be true because we trusted in the gift and never got to know the Living God, our gift giver. IT IS AN AMAZING THING WHEN WE EXAMINE OUR HEARTS THROUGH THE EYES OF GOD, IT IS LIFE CHANGING! So from one inmature person pursuing intimacy with my savior, I know that true maturity is worth the risk of seeing the ugly in my own heart, allowing Gods truth to heal my heart, and then do and become all that he has created me for, and actually BE LOVE TO A WOUNDED WORLD!

God’s Spoken Word, It Makes Lemons Into Lemonade.

The past few years have been my hardest. Most of the difficulty has been to let the Lord reach deep down into hidden areas of my soul and pull up those past wounds and open doors and allow Him to bring healing and deliverance. I never knew how ugly and hard my soul really was. I mean, I am a good person, I went to church, I love the Lord, I love people, I have made good decisions, I did not do drugs, drink alcohol, have sex untill I was married, etc. But I have learned the differnce between knowing God’s love and experiencing/interacting with God’s love. Knowing God and trusting Him are not the same thing. Many of us know God but most of us trust in things other than God. I have noticed that most of us trust in the things of God, such as, the gifts and calls on our life, rather than in HIM. Even reading our bible and prayer life are done without much interaction with Father God.  So, what I am saying is that until I started making hearing God’s SPOKEN word (faith comes from hearing and hearing from the word of God) and his presence more inportant than my own needs and desires, life would bring me lemons.  So, my stance is the old saying, “When life brings you lemons make lemonade”! I personally know that God does not bring you the lemons, our choices do. So, I am taking in the lemons, squishing out the juice, adding as much sugar as I can, interaction with my Father God every day, and making something useful, lemonade. Lemonade is not my favorite beverage, but, as Father continues to reveal the freedom I so long have denied, because of my lack in trusting and believing HIM, it will become whatever beverage I want.  So come on all you beautiful people and lets put our best foot forward and take those negatives and remake them into positives. It really is all up to how we CHOOSE to look at our circumstances. Many blessings in all of your adventures with Father!

My Testimony

I was truly saved on 3/27/11, I was lost for the longest time even after I was saved the last two times a few years back. My mother practices witchcraft along with having a Muslim bloodline which I believe dampened my sanity along with the on going sin that consumed me. I felt like all hope was lost and that I was stuck to face the punishment in my human temple. I was stuck worrying about earthly ways.

Who ever knows me doesn’t even know this because sometimes I feel lost with my words at times but I had a voice come inside my head on the Friday before I became saved saying that you will have the next two days of your life a living hell! And I believed that if I did go to Jason’s class that maybe my spirits would be lifted.

What happened next was terrifying. I felt like I’ve had demons inside me for the longest time but if finally showed it’s ugly face. I was so scared… I said things and even tried to hurt them that I would have never done in a million years.. to complete strangers! My emotions ran wild from sadness to complete over powering rage!!! The struggle lasted for 4 hours.

Then finally truth came into my heart and the will to LIVE finally put its hold on me. I FINALLY felt peace and I rejoiced!

If you are reading this… I want you to reread it again to ingrain this inside you that this is a real testimony and demons are very real! And they will lie to you, promise false hope, give you riches and a identity to cover up what is good inside of you! (Thank you Jason for telling me this tonight :-] )

If you are not saved, you do possess the strength to push it out of you and claim your soul for it is yours! Jesus is the path to salvation and he offers truth! I hope my testimony is enough to make you believe!