The Snare

I was in the third grade when it first happened. The fact that I would remember this is pretty significant considering how much I forget. I sat in my chair and drew. I can still feel it at times, that warm tingle spreading down from the back of my head covering my senses with fuzzies. All I was doing was drawing a chimney in perspective for a Christmas picture. The other children hovered around me each trying to gain a peek. One young man in particular, the jock of the class, he was the instigator. I had found my niche. If I drew, they would like me.

I remember how in forth grade I gained a friend who was a bully by killing him with kindness. I’m not sure where the idea came from. He was mean, and I decided to be nice.

I six grade everything changed. I had grown up with friends. I played well, had fun, but six grade was the dark year that turned into three. Six grade was the year I learned how worthless I was. I remember several incidents. One was, that I was sitting on the ground, indian style, as every boy in my class threw raisins at me, taunting me, mocking me. What had I done to deserve this treatment? Nothing that I know of, even now. I had been held back in second grade, so my sister and I now attended classes together. I was only held back because I couldn’t sit still and, I’m not sure about this, but it may have been effecting my grades. My mother and the teacher both agreed that I need some extra time to learn to pay attention. At the beginning of the six grade year, my sister and I were tested for the gifted program. I remember how happy I was playing with my friends at the beginning of that year. When both of us scored high on our test, we were very excited, but we had to move to a new school. The name of the school was Webster, again, odd that I would remember. There was one class in this school for the gifted children; one class of twenty to thirty kids who had grown up together, who were very tight. I was the new kid. My sister being a girl assimilated quickly. The girls in the class were nicer, plus if you know Melanie, there is a lot to like. I on the other hand, I was outcast from day one.

I remember that at some point my desperation to ‘just be left alone’ brought me to a breaking point. I grab one kid, twisted his arm behind his back and announced to the entire class that I would break it, if they didn’t leave me alone. As children do, they thought that this crisis was real, that I really had the power to break his arm, that this was a real life and death situation. I’m not sure what I was thinking. When you take a hostage, you should at least plan to escape. I was running purely on desperation, I only wanted the pain to stop. That child was never in any real danger. I didn’t know how to break an arm, nor did I possess the strength do accomplish such a feat. What I really did was destroy any hope I might of had of finding a friend, and so secured two more years of rejection.

It is almost like, around the age of twelve or thirteen a switch is pulled in the minds of children, and they start to destroy each other in a game of King of the Hill. Apparently, I stink at that game. By the time I got to high school, I was a shell of a person. My family moved again and we started over in a new school, Niceville High. But, I had learned to hate everyone, including myself. I still might be in that state if it wasn’t for God’s speaking love and acceptance to me…

Here is the snare. In third grade I learned I could find love by doing. In six grade I learned that I didn’t deserve love. So, now the only love I would ever find was through performance. I wonder how many people are still stuck in junior high, looking, hoping for love.

The path to freedom awaits, it is as simple as trusting Jesus to wash all of that away, as He speaks a new identity over you. You can have a new life, as you learn to hear His love.

True Maturity

I have been asking the Lord what TRUE maturity is. What it looks, sounds, and feels like. Many people say it is having a title, or success, being able to do certain things, or become certain things. I have heard it all. I will just be a little bold and even go as far as saying that all the things that we find important in our faith such as, healing the sick, raising the dead, seeing people set free and delivered, nations being saved, or prophesying with prestine accuracy, etc, are IMPORTANT and GOOD, but do not prove maturity. The Lord has been teaching that TRUE maturity is becoming LOVE. That does not mean that we are not to challenge or discipline. But rather it speaks to the motives of our heart. Jesus said to go out into the world, and do all that I listed above, so that the world would know of HIS amazing love for them. That he did not come to condemn but to set free. But, more often then not, we do all these things without real intimacy with the God who gives us the power to do these things!
Ex: I met an amazing Prophet who heard God, but this person was suffering from pain in the back and hip area. They had prayed, others had prayed, declared, stood in faith, etc., and still the pain persisted. My husband and I led this person through a little process of asking God where the cause of the pain was coming from. Of course this prophet was a little offended at first because they had already asked the Lord and they knew how to hear Him. Finally, the prophet came to a place where they heard the Lord say there was a judgment and what that judgement was. They repented and asked God what His truth was about the judgement, they recieved that truth, we spoke healing over the body and that prophet went home without any pain in their body for the first time in years.
My point is that the prophet heard God but lacked, in this situation, to trust in Gods love for them. Their trust had been in the gift not the gift giver. Maturity comes from the intimacy we have with our God; hearing, recieving, experiencing and believing in His truth and love. Lets ask him where our real motives stand! The Bible says if we do, all those things listed above, and have not love they are counted as nothing. ( Our motives were wrong.) God declares in the end that he never knew us. And that would be true because we trusted in the gift and never got to know the Living God, our gift giver. IT IS AN AMAZING THING WHEN WE EXAMINE OUR HEARTS THROUGH THE EYES OF GOD, IT IS LIFE CHANGING! So from one inmature person pursuing intimacy with my savior, I know that true maturity is worth the risk of seeing the ugly in my own heart, allowing Gods truth to heal my heart, and then do and become all that he has created me for, and actually BE LOVE TO A WOUNDED WORLD!

God’s Spoken Word, It Makes Lemons Into Lemonade.

The past few years have been my hardest. Most of the difficulty has been to let the Lord reach deep down into hidden areas of my soul and pull up those past wounds and open doors and allow Him to bring healing and deliverance. I never knew how ugly and hard my soul really was. I mean, I am a good person, I went to church, I love the Lord, I love people, I have made good decisions, I did not do drugs, drink alcohol, have sex untill I was married, etc. But I have learned the differnce between knowing God’s love and experiencing/interacting with God’s love. Knowing God and trusting Him are not the same thing. Many of us know God but most of us trust in things other than God. I have noticed that most of us trust in the things of God, such as, the gifts and calls on our life, rather than in HIM. Even reading our bible and prayer life are done without much interaction with Father God.  So, what I am saying is that until I started making hearing God’s SPOKEN word (faith comes from hearing and hearing from the word of God) and his presence more inportant than my own needs and desires, life would bring me lemons.  So, my stance is the old saying, “When life brings you lemons make lemonade”! I personally know that God does not bring you the lemons, our choices do. So, I am taking in the lemons, squishing out the juice, adding as much sugar as I can, interaction with my Father God every day, and making something useful, lemonade. Lemonade is not my favorite beverage, but, as Father continues to reveal the freedom I so long have denied, because of my lack in trusting and believing HIM, it will become whatever beverage I want.  So come on all you beautiful people and lets put our best foot forward and take those negatives and remake them into positives. It really is all up to how we CHOOSE to look at our circumstances. Many blessings in all of your adventures with Father!