Learning to Love

In six grade, I change schools. It was supposed to be a good thing, but instead, I lost all my friends. Every kid in the new class rejected me, even the girls. I spent the next three years without any friends and under constant abuse from my peers. By the time I got to high school I was very angry, bitter, confused and wounded. I was angry even with my parent for not understanding, for not fixing it. I was so angry with my peers that I could not even finish school. I dropped our my senior year three months before graduation. I was a broken person.

What saved me was a simple choice that God put before me. I met a young lady in another town who I choose to befriend and for some reason I had to prove to her that God was real and good. I decided that I was going to show her what the love of God really looked like. I memorized 1 Cor. 13, hoping to put every aspect of love into action. I gave up lying completely to demonstrate there she could trust someone who lived by love.

That simple choice to focus on blessing another person, changed everything. Up to that point I had been focused on how much I hated my peers; how much I resented them; how hurt I was; what they had done to me. When I turned my back on my own pain, my own woundedness, choosing to focus on being love. I chose to live for someone else.

I actually got so focused on giving love away that I forgot my pain. Those feelings of rejection left me like a forgot bad dream. My life turned around and I gained two best friends and even my wife.

Later I learned that even them I had to release to God. My wife was also hurt and unable to give love back. She feared intimacy. God had to teach me to live without her love and once again lead me to become love for the sake of another. After five years of marriage, I went to complain to the Lord. I told Him of all the love I was pouring out and it had been five years and she still felt like sex was rape. I asked Him when I would get some love back. I told Him that I needed her to love me too. He said, “Jason, you don’t love your wife enough.”

I choose then, to abandon myself to being love and never expect it back. This choice has moved me into new realms of peace and love. It has opened the heart of God to me. I have turned my back on woundedness, and embraced my sonship. God is better then regretting what I lost out on. His destiny for me is better then not having a mother to love me or friends to like me. He loved me when my wife could not. I found my joy in Him.

After I made that decision, within a few years God used me to help heal my wife and now she chases me. Our marriage is wonderful because neither of us need the other. We both find our joy in the Lord and then give His love to each other. It is a choice to make Him my only source for love and comfort; to put all of my hopes on Him and Him alone. It is a choice to let go of my desires and say I’m satisfied with You Father. It is contentment, and peace, and love, and rest. I would not trade it for anything.

The Snare

I was in the third grade when it first happened. The fact that I would remember this is pretty significant considering how much I forget. I sat in my chair and drew. I can still feel it at times, that warm tingle spreading down from the back of my head covering my senses with fuzzies. All I was doing was drawing a chimney in perspective for a Christmas picture. The other children hovered around me each trying to gain a peek. One young man in particular, the jock of the class, he was the instigator. I had found my niche. If I drew, they would like me.

I remember how in forth grade I gained a friend who was a bully by killing him with kindness. I’m not sure where the idea came from. He was mean, and I decided to be nice.

I six grade everything changed. I had grown up with friends. I played well, had fun, but six grade was the dark year that turned into three. Six grade was the year I learned how worthless I was. I remember several incidents. One was, that I was sitting on the ground, indian style, as every boy in my class threw raisins at me, taunting me, mocking me. What had I done to deserve this treatment? Nothing that I know of, even now. I had been held back in second grade, so my sister and I now attended classes together. I was only held back because I couldn’t sit still and, I’m not sure about this, but it may have been effecting my grades. My mother and the teacher both agreed that I need some extra time to learn to pay attention. At the beginning of the six grade year, my sister and I were tested for the gifted program. I remember how happy I was playing with my friends at the beginning of that year. When both of us scored high on our test, we were very excited, but we had to move to a new school. The name of the school was Webster, again, odd that I would remember. There was one class in this school for the gifted children; one class of twenty to thirty kids who had grown up together, who were very tight. I was the new kid. My sister being a girl assimilated quickly. The girls in the class were nicer, plus if you know Melanie, there is a lot to like. I on the other hand, I was outcast from day one.

I remember that at some point my desperation to ‘just be left alone’ brought me to a breaking point. I grab one kid, twisted his arm behind his back and announced to the entire class that I would break it, if they didn’t leave me alone. As children do, they thought that this crisis was real, that I really had the power to break his arm, that this was a real life and death situation. I’m not sure what I was thinking. When you take a hostage, you should at least plan to escape. I was running purely on desperation, I only wanted the pain to stop. That child was never in any real danger. I didn’t know how to break an arm, nor did I possess the strength do accomplish such a feat. What I really did was destroy any hope I might of had of finding a friend, and so secured two more years of rejection.

It is almost like, around the age of twelve or thirteen a switch is pulled in the minds of children, and they start to destroy each other in a game of King of the Hill. Apparently, I stink at that game. By the time I got to high school, I was a shell of a person. My family moved again and we started over in a new school, Niceville High. But, I had learned to hate everyone, including myself. I still might be in that state if it wasn’t for God’s speaking love and acceptance to me…

Here is the snare. In third grade I learned I could find love by doing. In six grade I learned that I didn’t deserve love. So, now the only love I would ever find was through performance. I wonder how many people are still stuck in junior high, looking, hoping for love.

The path to freedom awaits, it is as simple as trusting Jesus to wash all of that away, as He speaks a new identity over you. You can have a new life, as you learn to hear His love.

Testimony on Forgiveness

Kimberly gives her testimony on the transforming power of hearing God and forgiveness.
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My Testimony

I was truly saved on 3/27/11, I was lost for the longest time even after I was saved the last two times a few years back. My mother practices witchcraft along with having a Muslim bloodline which I believe dampened my sanity along with the on going sin that consumed me. I felt like all hope was lost and that I was stuck to face the punishment in my human temple. I was stuck worrying about earthly ways.

Who ever knows me doesn’t even know this because sometimes I feel lost with my words at times but I had a voice come inside my head on the Friday before I became saved saying that you will have the next two days of your life a living hell! And I believed that if I did go to Jason’s class that maybe my spirits would be lifted.

What happened next was terrifying. I felt like I’ve had demons inside me for the longest time but if finally showed it’s ugly face. I was so scared… I said things and even tried to hurt them that I would have never done in a million years.. to complete strangers! My emotions ran wild from sadness to complete over powering rage!!! The struggle lasted for 4 hours.

Then finally truth came into my heart and the will to LIVE finally put its hold on me. I FINALLY felt peace and I rejoiced!

If you are reading this… I want you to reread it again to ingrain this inside you that this is a real testimony and demons are very real! And they will lie to you, promise false hope, give you riches and a identity to cover up what is good inside of you! (Thank you Jason for telling me this tonight :-] )

If you are not saved, you do possess the strength to push it out of you and claim your soul for it is yours! Jesus is the path to salvation and he offers truth! I hope my testimony is enough to make you believe!